Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Unexpected post for Ross

I am really missing writing.  I read back through a few of my older entries today and just yearned to sit back and write.  And I have just deleted a completely unfocused, uninteresting ramble in an effort to not lose my 3 remaining followers!

I'm taking enormous pleasure in my journey of late.  I took some time out to breathe last year and just consider the path I was on and check I was heading to a place I actually wanted to get to.  And right now, I am confident that I am firmly and safely in exactly the place I am meant to be.  Travelling lightly, with my heart and mind open to what may come my way and a willingness to experience and grow through whatever landscapes my path may lead me.  I have been blessed by beautiful friends, new and old, and I continue to draw on the things that brief but beloved friends have taught me in the past.

A couple of weeks ago I honoured my brother's 50th birthday, spending a couple of hours chatting and crying and philosophising  with him at the family plot in Waikumete.  I had a wonderful wonderful time and I am so pleased I went.  He is still so present in my life, even if only by how poignantly and painfully I miss him.  I'm not so sure that time heals, I think perhaps the passing of time means there are bigger gaps between the moments of intensely feeling the lack of a person in your life.  It surprises me how much I still miss Ross.  And yet it pleases me too, because as long as I miss him quite so poignantly, he remains a part of my life.  And that was my greatest fear when he left, that I would forget the sound of his laugh, the timbre of his voice, the cheekiness of his play.  But these things remain I am pleased to say.  As too is the memory, and the reality of how beautifully he believed in me.  Not by words, but by active believing.  By taking me places others would have cautioned me going to, by doing things with me others would have questioned my ability to do.  Never did he ask if I was sure, or if I was ok or if I needed help.  He just walked beside me, matching my pace, never making me feel bad for being slow, never making me doubt by admonishing me to be careful, just staying with me, loving me as I am sure only a brother can.  I am so grateful.

Funny, I'd kind of been wanting to write a bit of a 50th birthday tribute for Ross, but that is not what I just sat down to write.  Yet there it is.  Happy Birthday beautiful brother.

1 comment:

anknel and burblets said...

That made me cry. It's so sad he's not here any more. I'm so lucky now that H and I really get on so well now. If he'd died when Ross did we'd never have had that. I really miss NZ and family and I do wonder what on earth I'm doing here.